The British Monarchy

Willie, Willie, Harry Stee,
Harry, Dick, John, Harry three;
One, two, three Neds, Richard two
Harrys four, five, six... then who?
Edwards four, five, Dick the bad,
Harrys twain and Ned the Lad;
Mary, Bessie, James the Vain,
Charlie, Charlie, James again...
William and Mary, Anna Gloria,
Four Georges, William and Victoria;
Edward seven next, and then
George the fifth in 1910;
Ned the eighth soon abdicated
Then George the sixth was coronated;
After which Elizabeth
And that's the end until her death.


That little ditty (sung to the tune of “Good King Wenceslaus) is a mnemonic device to help British schoolchildren (all of whom I assume are now eighty year olds who watch the BBC and drink tea) memorize the Monarchs of Great Britain.  I find it very amusing, and also helpful, since I am, of course, TOTALLY OBSESSED with the monarchy.

I trace my obsession back to the death of Princess Diana (yeah, I know, cliché), but I was fourteen, and I clearly remember my mom waking me up for school and telling me she died, and then getting up at like four am to watch the funeral.  I’m pretty sure my mom and I watched it on the TV in the basement, but I don’t know why.

The more I read and the more I learned the more fascinated I became.  The sheer amount of coincidence that had to occur for any one of these individuals to become king or queen is really mind boggling when you realize.   The machinations and marriages and amount of look-the-other-way-winky collusion that went on is amazing.

The relevance of the British Throne is debatable, and better minds than I have weighed in.  I am not out to convince anybody, it’s just that it’s so interesting.  This isn’t just the history of a boring political institution, it has murder, sex, intrigue, unsolved disappearances, incest, fiancés who marry their dead beloved’s brother (not once, but twice), child kings, usurpers,, imposters, and Margaret Beaufort, who is the woman from whom Henry VIII inherited the intestinal fortitude to tell the Catholic Church to kiss his ass.

I won’t bore you by enumerating each point, but let me just tell you one short tale that makes me giggle from the annals of the British Throne

My favorite “character” of British monarchical history is Eleanor of Aquitaine.  She was the daughter of a MAJOR landholder (the Duke of Aquitaine) and lord in what is now France.  Her grandfather, William IX the Troubadour, was the central guy during the middle ages in all things “chivalry”.  And she was brought up in his court.  During most of her childhood the Troubadour’s mistress was her grandmother, her other grandmother.  Her paternal grandfather KIDNAPPED her maternal grandmother and installed her in his castle as his paramour.  For which he was excommunicated by Rome (for the second time).  She inherited the Duchy when her father died, thus making her a REALLY good catch for a variety of nobles and kings across western Europe.  She married the King of France, Louis VII.  They were related by blood, but that was not uncommon, in the least.  They were married for 15 years before they were granted an annulment because they were too closely related.  Eleanor turned around and married Henry II (Plantagenet), who was EVEN MORE CLOSELY RELATED to her than Louis.   This is what I mean about head turning-winky crap.  She is the mother of Richard the Lionheart and King John, the one portrayed as a snake in the great Disney classic, Robin Hood.  If you saw the Russell Crowe Robin Hood, she was portrayed, I thought, quite well.  She lived in the 12th century, and participated in the Second Crusade while married to Louis.  Oh, and while there she was rumored to have had a torrid love affair with her much older Uncle.  The story goes that she and her ladies in waiting rode off to that Crusade dressed as Amazons.

She is described in historical accounts as being uncommonly beautiful.  She was also incredibly tough.  She survived a decade of imprisonment in various castles and abbeys at the hands of her husband and then her sons.  She is the reason why England and France went to war so many time between then and now, or at least a good part of it.  See, her marriage agreement with Louis said that her lands in Aquitaine and Poitiers went to her children, males first, as independent from France.   Eleanor and Louis had two children, both girls, so her sons by Henry II inherited Aquitaine and Poitiers, making the King of England a major French landholder and a vassal of the King of France.  I don’t even like typing the word vassal, much less being one.  So you can imagine how someone with a title like King of England might chafe.

I, for one, do not typically think of women from the pre-modern era as being wily or clever or much in a position of being able to fend for themselves, but Eleanor really put her mark on things.

We see the British monarchy on TV, or in pictures on the web, and most of them look so staid and upper crust.  So many stiff upper lips it’s amazing sometimes that they are even capable of cracking a smile.  But that is just the face they put on for the public.  Underneath what we see is a real family with a long and storied history that has more excitement and intrigue than you or I can even imagine.   The fact that they have kept their throne for a thousand years is something to be admired, I think, or at least investigated.  I hope that you will find some of the stories they’ve lived as interesting as I do.

AH